The pain of going home is becoming overpowering. The house has become ….. So much needs to be done, so many chores …… I cannot decide if it is better to sit at the office or go home and sit. The quite is the same at both places. Overpowering, suffocating and disabling. Almost seven months and it seems to have gone from lonely to confinement in solitary. I used to read Psalms of David as he cried out in the wilderness and could not comprehend what he was all about. Now I am scared to read those same Psalms because I feel as if not that they were written for me but more because I feel I wrote them. I thought watching Meredith die as I was her care giver and could not stop that horrible disease was the hardest task God could give me. But I was wrong. I knew Meredith’s suffering would end. I just did not know when. Now it my time to heal. My time to go back to being normal. That will not happen. What I witnessed for six plus years, the failing body, the abandonment by close friends, clergy, Church family is so painful as to resemble an open sore, but only seen and felt by me. How does one leave the dark part of the path I have walked with Meredith for so long and so alone? How does one “suck it up”? I have gone from the front lines with my soul mate to graves registration. Wipe the dirt from my hands, climb on board, hoist the anchor, turn into the wind, hoist the main sail, unfurl the jib, fall off the wind, trim em up, get a good beam reach set the heading to …… where? Time to go home. The dogs need to be let out. Weatherman says it will be cool tonight so need to start a fire in the wood burner. What’s for dinner. Forgot to thaw something. Not really hungry, had a late lunch. Alex, I’ll take Life’s Mysteries for 1000. Congratulations, you have found a Daily Double! I’ll go all in Alex. “Another word for Thesaurus”
I would go to my happy place but you can never go back and I really never had one to begin with. Maybe the sea. Yeah that’s it. The sea. Where it all began.