Fighting Grief

Grief: Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to that loss.
Wikipedia.

Trot out all the people who have all the fancy words to bore me to sleep by asking which one of those symptoms is effecting me the most.

It will get better, it will get easier they say. She was my life, my universe. She made the house a home. Life was an adventure to be lived. She was the Queen of everything. I wish she was whole again with me here in this world. Ain’t going to happen, I know. This is grief, not depression. Keep swimming.

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Friday Night Lights Again

Friday Night Lights trip again. Eighty nine miles forth. 15:15 hours, I left Douglasville and headed East. I got an earlier start then usual but traffic hit an Atlanta Friday Overload. The drive should have been ninety minutes but with two “Red Alert” (all lanes blocked), I was delayed ninety minutes. Friday’s drive was different from the others because when you are sitting instead of cruising at eighty-five, it gives you too much time to think. It gives you time to realize the pit and pain in the stomach is not due to hunger. Life has become an illusion of living under water. I feel like I am the goldfish in the bowl, seeing but not feeling. My mind slips into neutral. Sometime I sit and think but lately is has just been sitting. Time keeps moving but I can not keep up with the speed at which it moves. I get up at seven and make into work by ten thirty. Three mile drive. I have no idea where the time goes. Evening is even worse. I am not ready to talk about the evenings. Saturday and Sundays…. not even close to figuring them out.

I made it in time for team warm ups. Shared thumbs up wave with Gavyn. The Bad Guys whooped up on the Home Team. Not that they were so much better then the Good Guys, but they had this tailback who cut through the defense like a chain saw through a pine tree. I would have used the hot butter knife analogy, but who uses one? Eighty nine miles back. This may sound funny but the Lord blessed me with a west bound thunder storm of high cross winds and blinding rain for fifty of the miles. I do not think I could of made back if I had the opportunity to think.

I have no regrets. I did everything I promised her I would do that day when my world stopped and her’s went upside down and sideways. Grief sucks.

Good Grief it’s the Grief Ccounselors

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Good Grief it’s the Grief Doctors

Here they come! Out of the blue on the eve of our anniversary, the grief guidance counselor called. Okay, she is paid by Hospice to do a call at one week, one month, six months and one year of date of death. She started with the worst question, the one everyone asks, everyone wants to know, but nobody wants to hear the answer. “How are you doing?”

From my side of the question, There are so many responses which explode like a Fourth of July starburst. And just as quick, they are smoke in the air. Over six years ago, Meredith started the transition from soul mate and wife to patient to making me guardian. How am I doing? How am I supposed to be doing? All those who were the caregiver for at least six years to their soulmate suffering from MSA or similar affliction, who have an intimate knowledge of Meredith’s and my psychological work up please send me your resume. Otherwise do not expect me to unload whatever it is you are looking for because the answer is real easy. I do not have a clue and I am not going to talk about how I am while standing in the parking lot, hardware aisle, etc. Ever since childhood, whatever “thing” scared us, hurt us emotionally or confused us become our fall back foundation for all reactions through out our life. Scary things and confusion can be overcome with learning what they are and how to deal with or figure out why they do these things to us. But the emotional one is a lot tougher, I have been dumped, divorced, and fired. But losing your soulmate. That is a different ball game. No past experience to draw from for guidance. With the exception of a couple of hours a day, Meredith and I were together. Same house, same work place, same vacations. I have arrived to become the “Stranger with the Melody”, I gave her the music son. She gave me the words together we’d write the kind of songs the angels must have heard.

So the real answer is “Considering the shape I am in, I am in damn good shape.” Edit Good Grief it’s the Grief Doctors

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