Here they come! Out of the blue on the eve of our anniversary, the grief guidance counselor called. Okay, she is paid by Hospice to do a call at one week, one month, six months and one year of date of death. She started with the worst question, the one everyone asks, everyone wants to know, but nobody wants to hear the answer. “How are you doing?”
From my side of the question, There are so many responses which explode like a Fourth of July starburst. And just as quick, they are smoke in the air. Over six years ago, Meredith started the transition from soul mate and wife to patient to making me guardian. How am I doing? How am I supposed to be doing? All those who were the caregiver for at least six years to their soulmate suffering from MSA or similar affliction, who have an intimate knowledge of Meredith’s and my psychological work up please send me your resume. Otherwise do not expect me to unload whatever it is you are looking for because the answer is real easy. I do not have a clue and I am not going to talk about how I am while standing in the parking lot, hardware aisle, etc. Ever since childhood, whatever “thing” scared us, hurt us emotionally or confused us become our fall back foundation for all reactions through out our life. Scary things and confusion can be overcome with learning what they are and how to deal with or figure out why they do these things to us. But the emotional one is a lot tougher, I have been dumped, divorced, and fired. But losing your soulmate. That is a different ball game. No past experience to draw from for guidance. With the exception of a couple of hours a day, Meredith and I were together. Same house, same work place, same vacations. I have arrived to become the “Stranger with the Melody”, I gave her the music son. She gave me the words together we’d write the kind of songs the angels must have heard.
So the real answer is “Considering the shape I am in, I am in damn good shape.”